Summary

Introduction

Many high-achievers reach a point in their careers where their progress stalls. They possess the technical skills and the track record that got them to their current position, yet they find themselves unable to reach the next level of leadership. Marshall Goldsmith argues that the beliefs and behaviors that contributed to past success are often the very things preventing future advancement. The higher you go in an organization, the more your problems are behavioral rather than technical. To move from near-great to great, you must identify and stop the interpersonal habits that annoy your colleagues and hinder your relationships.

The Trouble with Success

Successful people are often driven by four core beliefs: “I have succeeded,” “I can succeed,” “I will succeed,” and “I choose to succeed.” While these beliefs provide the confidence and motivation necessary to conquer challenges, they also create a success delusion. High achievers tend to believe they are solely responsible for their wins, which leads them to overestimate their own contribution and underestimate the role of luck or others. This delusional self-confidence makes it difficult to accept that they need to change. Successful people believe they are in control and do not see themselves as victims, but this mindset can also cause them to resist feedback and deny their flaws.

Goldsmith points out that the higher you go, the more your suggestions are interpreted as orders. This dynamic makes it dangerous when leaders are oblivious to their negative impact. Getting praise can be dangerous because it becomes easy to delude yourself when all you hear are positive things. If you think you can do no wrong, you cannot admit you are ever wrong, which paradoxically makes you more wrong. The first step to change is simply wanting to change, but this requires overcoming the resistance fueled by past success.

The 20 Habits That Hold You Back

Goldsmith identifies 20 specific annoyng habits that common among successful people. Most leaders only need to fix one or two of these to see significant improvement. These are not flaws of character, but behavioral issues that can be stopped. They include behaviors that are information-oriented, such as withholding information or failing to give recognition, and those that are emotional, like speaking when angry or making destructive comments. Consistently across many of these habits is the tendency to focus too much on oneself rather than on others.

One of the most pervasive issues is the need to “add too much value.” When a subordinate or peer proposes an idea, the leader feels compelled to improve it with their own input. While the intention might be to help, the result is often a loss of ownership. When you add to an idea, it no longer feels like it is their idea. This kills their commitment and enthusiasm. Similarly, habits like “making destructive comments” or “judging others” serve only to inflate the leader’s ego at the expense of the relationship.

Another critical category involves competitiveness and recognition. Leaders often engage in “claiming credit that belongs to others” or “refusing to apologize.” These actions signal a lack of respect and self-awareness. Goldsmith famously notes that your personality is not fixed and improvement does not require you to become a radically different person. You do not have to change your whole life, just improve one tiny trait. The goal is to become aware of these behaviors and make a decision to stop them.

The Twenty-First Habit: Goal Obsession

In addition to the list of 20, Goldsmith highlights “goal obsession” as the 21st habit. The ability to focus on a goal is crucial for success, but the problem arises when the goal is pursued at the expense of other more vital priorities. This is the blindness of goal pursuit. You become so focused on the short-sighted task in front of you that you miss the bigger point.

For example, you might focus so hard on earning a promotion that you neglect your family, or push so hard to meet a deadline that you bulldoze over your team and hurt morale. Goldsmith references a study of Princeton theology students on the Good Samaritan parable to illustrate this. Students who were in a rush because they were told they were late were far less likely to stop and help a person in distress than those who were not rushed. Goal obsession is not a flaw in itself, but it is a creator of flaws. It blinds you to the needs of others and leads to behaviors that contradict your long-term values.

How to Change for the Better

Changing interpersonal behavior requires a structured approach. Goldsmith outlines a seven-step process to help leaders improve and lock in changes permanently.

1. Feedback

You cannot fix a problem you do not know you have. Feedback is crucial to identify your strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement. It acts like a “You are Here” indicator on a map. Because we have blind spots-behaviors visible to others but not to us-we must ask for honest input. The key question to ask is not, “How do you feel about me?” but rather, “How can I get better?”

2. Apologizing

Once you receive feedback, you must take responsibility for your mistakes. Apologizing is powerful because it shows you are human and committed to change. Goldsmith advises to apologize, apologize, apologize. When you apologize, say, “I am sorry. I will try to do better.” And then shut up. Do not try to justify it or make excuses. There is simply no excuse for making excuses. Owning up to your mistakes makes a bigger impression than how you revel in your successes.

3. Declaring Your Intentions

An apology must be followed by action. Tell the world, or at least your colleagues, what you intend to do. Declare how you plan to change and repeat the message. This advertising reinforces your commitment and puts positive pressure on you to follow through.

4. Listening

Good listening is an active process. It requires you to devote your full attention to the speaker, making them feel like they are the only person in the room. Hearing people out does not make you dumber. Often, we listen only to respond or judge, but effective leadership requires listening to understand. When getting feedback of any type, accept it from a neutral place and say, “Thank you.” If you reply with a judgmental comment, you get into an argument. Just listen and say thank you.

5. Expressing Gratitude

Gratitude is not a limited resource, yet many leaders fail to express it. Not giving due recognition or withholding praise are demoralizing habits. Goldsmith suggests creating a list of people you should give recognition to and reviewing that list each week. Give away all the credit. When you make others feel good, they perform better for you and the organization.

6. Following Up

We cannot change for the long run without following up. Change is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. Following up shows your colleagues that you care about getting better and that you are taking the process seriously. It involves taking concrete action based on feedback and then checking in consistently to ensure you are staying on track. You might find a coach or an accountability buddy to help monitor your progress.

7. Feedforward

Traditional feedback involves critiquing the past, which often triggers defensiveness. “Feedforward” is a concept where you ask for ideas for the future instead. You pick a behavior you want to change and ask a colleague for two suggestions for the future. The rules are: you cannot judge the idea, you must listen only, and you must say thank you. This makes it easier to listen fully without resistance. It shifts the dynamic from punitive to constructive.

Conclusion

What got you here won’t get you there. The skills that made you a successful individual contributor are not the same as the behaviors needed to be an effective leader. The good news is that you do not need to undergo a personality transplant. By letting go of the past, focusing on the needs of others, and stopping the annoying habits that hold you back, you can achieve tremendous growth. It requires humility, the willingness to say “thank you” and “I’m sorry,” and the discipline to follow up. As Goldsmith suggests, you can do a lot worse than questioning your flaws. We often get defensive, but what do we really have to lose? Usually, very little. Start today by identifying one habit to stop and watch how your relationships-and your career-begin to change.